The Problem With Atomic Habits | #41

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Happy new year! We’re still allowed to say that in the first week of January, right? My family and I got back from Mexico and I hit the ground running. The trip was restorative in a way I didn’t think possible when I was younger. I woke up early every day, worked out, then played all day with my daughter. Beach, pool, waterpark, petting zoos, ancient Mayan ruins, hikes, mountain biking. Nonstop action yet I felt refreshed and restored.

Then, on New Years Day, I pushed send on two separate posts on X that went viral. Combined the posts did over 1 Million impressions. Think about how insane that number is — One Million Views.

If you want to know how I stack the odds in my favor to get wide distribution on my writing, you’ll want to check out my upcoming course Distribution on X. The pre-sale price is only good until the course goes live at which point the price will go up. Snag a spot now.

Let’s get in to today’s newsletter!

The Problem With Atomic Habits

In 2019, when I was running my previous startup, my VP of Finance told me about a new book he’d read called Atomic Habits. He suggested I pick up a copy and let him know what I thought.

Every once in a while I come across a book that seems good on the surface for some reason there’s something about it that just rubs me the wrong way. It’s a weird feeling when everybody else seems to like the book — is something wrong with me?

When that VP saw the book on my table a few weeks later and asked my thoughts, I replied “yeah, not bad”. Not bad is not good.

At the time I was busy running a startup, so I didn’t know what about it didn’t sit well with me but I left it at that.

Flash forward to this past week. I saw an excellent thread on X about why habits, resolutions, and goals are arbitrary without doing the hard work of behavior change. Behavior change involves active work to change your identity. It’s an internal battle, not some tactics to trick yourself into adopting a new identity.

An instant thought came to my head.

Sometimes you hit on an idea that lots of people agree with and it goes viral. A lot of people disagreed with me too. Which is fine, because it’s my opinion and that’s theirs.

But then another strange thing happened. The author, James Clear, decided to weigh in. Mind you James has been blogging for over a decade. He has over 900,000 followers on X (but strangely follows 0 people). And he has sold an estimated 15 million copies of book. And still he felt compelled to tell me why my opinion is wrong.

Since I already did some research after my post went viral to see if I was the only crazy person in the world to think the book was suspect, I was ready to respond. You can read that response here:

But I want to dedicate space in today’s newsletter to something else besides all the issues in the book itself.

I want to address the elephant in the room.

The author of a book that sold 15 million copies was personally offended that a stranger on the internet didn’t like his book.

What’s worse is that he doubled down on the idea that his book was about something it was not. He insisted that because he had a single chapter on identity management that the book wasn’t really all about tips & tricks for adopting new habits.

His response revealed something a bit deeper than what we assume from the outside looking in. James was offended. His identity felt attacked, because his identity is wrapped up inside his book — his ego is his book at this point.

I’m not going to beat up on James because I don’t know him on a personal level and he isn’t a bad writer. I’ve enjoyed some articles of his in the past.

But there is a larger lesson from all of this back and forth. A lesson about the power of the ego. The ego is a force within us that dictates so much of how we view the world and too many of us underestimate it’s power.

If you want to make a change in the New Year, lasting change, please for the love of god forget resolutions. And put down books like Atomic Habits that promise a few tips and tricks will somehow lead to a new you.

Instead, do the hard work of emotional management and taking a hard look at your identity. Your ego.

There’s nothing wrong with building up good habits — action is the key that moves everything forward.

But action without purpose, without coming from a deep place inside that says “this is a new me” will not last.

If you prefer frameworks, here’s one to use instead.

RCG Framework

Get Real 

Let’s take weight loss as an example but it can be money, relationships, etc.

Let’s assume you’re overweight and you want to lose weight.

Your first step should be to get real with yourself.

You can lie to the rest of the world but you can’t lie to yourself — at least not for long.

At a Friendsgiving dinner I hosted in 2021, a former classmate of mine from MIT who joined us remarked that I got “gotten a bit fat”. I wasn’t offended. Ge was right. But instead of just half-assing it the next day by jumping on a Peloton or going for a run, I booked an appointment for a DEXA Scan.

I wanted to understand exactly how bad I’d let things get.

The DEXA Scan costs about $95 and is a bone density test that can also measure body composition, such as body fat.

The results were even more shocking than I could have imagined. 24.4% bodyfat. Holy fuck.

Seeing those numbers had a profound mental shift. I realized that I was lying to myself when I would say “yeah I’m a bit heavier than I’d like to be but I don’t consider myself fat”. And the thing is, my subconscious knew I was lying. All of a sudden the mask was revealed. The numbers spoke for themselves. I couldn’t not look anymore.

That was the genesis of the massive weight loss I underwent in 2022 going from 182 lbs. to 154 lbs. in 4 months.

You have to first be real with yourself about your situation. Stop sugarcoating it and worrying about hurting your own feelings. Be direct and clear with yourself.

Get Committed

Here is probably the hardest part. You need intrinsic motivation to achieve anything worthwhile. Tips and tricks won’t save you when the hard days come. When you don’t “feel” like doing the things you know will have to do.

The only way I know of is to sit with yourself. Meditate Journal. Do some breathwork. Or just spend some alone time on a walk in nature without your phone and think through what this change will require.

Think though what triggers you have.

Why you revert to bad habits when things get hard.

Why you seek comfort when things get hard.

Why you actually might not want to change.

And if you go through this period of self-reflection and understand, at a deep level, that what you’re proposing will be hard you have a chance of getting to the other side.

Not because dieting, or whatever you’re focused on, will be hard in and of itself. It will. But because what you’re proposing is to kill off a part of your identity. Who you are. You’ve been that person for a while and now you want to part ways. To think there won’t be some longing to go back to that, to see that person one more time, to not let go….is a bit delusional.

I’ve even suggested taking some space to mourn who you once were. And then my friend Louie Bacaj shared a story about a customer of his who left all his remaining money in his will to his family and friends with the specific purpose of throwing a party after his death.

Either way, solemn mourning or celebratory party, there is the ritual of saying goodbye. Don’t ignore this phase.

Get Going

Any strategy is only as good as the execution behind it.

Spend the time to figure out where you want to go (your goal) and how you plan on getting there (tactics).

Let’s say the goal is to lose 40 lbs. OK how?

So you do some research and figure out that it’s best to not try to lose more than 2-2.5 lbs. per week. Fine.

You run the math and figure it should take roughly 17 weeks to hit your goal, assuming no detours.

Then you figure out what your daily or weekly caloric intake target should be and commit to tracking your food intake for the 17 weeks.

Next you’ll do some research on what type of exercise is best and what the required commitment will need to be.

That may mean you need to wake up earlier than you’re used to if you have a packed schedule. If you have kids it may mean asking your partner or family or friends to help you with some of the load to give you the space you need.

None of this is easy and it sure as hell isn’t easier if you’re a caregiver.

But you need action and you need discipline. And the way to build discipline is to do the hard things you don’t want to do, repeatedly.

I remember reading this tweet from Naval Ravikant, a famous Silicon-Valley entrepreneur and investor and it stuck with me:

Are you the type of person who makes commitments and follows through, or do you view commitments as suggestions?

Figure out who you are and be real with yourself.

Till next week,

Tom

P.S. Reply back with what you’re working on changing this year, if anything.

P.P.S. If you want to start taking your writing on X to new levels and have it seen by more people than just your mom and significant other, pre-purchase my course.